The Ending

Every new valley I walk through ends the same way. Somewhere deep in, when the fear grips my throat and hope's a short wick, after a lot of struggling and bruising and stumbling around, I bump against some shape in the dark. I fumble about a little more, running my hands across it. I realize it's beautiful, perhaps more beautiful than anything I've ever seen. I realize I'm suddenly further on in the path than I thought. And the thing I'm feeling in the dark is the answer to all of the aching questions I'd asked a few miles back where the black was thickest and my wounds deepest. Back when I thought I'd die in there and there weren't any answers. And then it dawns on me that it's not an idea or a shape, it's really Him, breathing softly, waiting for me at the end of my darkness.

"You shall have no other gods before Me."

Most of the stories I tell people about my life have occurred within the last year. Occasionally, I’ll tell a story that's from further back - maybe the beginning of college. I almost never tell stories from earlier. I don’t think this is a conscious decision, its just the pattern of thinking I’ve gotten into. I don’t go back to old things over and over again and savor them very much – least of all with other people who weren’t there. And most of the people that I know now, weren’t there. I’ve had a segregated and compartmentalized life. I have little clusters of memories spread out over different places and people. None of them know each other. Each is its own separate world without much in common with each other except for me. I’m the common denominator. I’ve experienced them all and given a part of myself to each of them.
I think I exclude the past parts of my life because I’m afraid of blank stares and uninterested minds. A lot of people are comfortable with the world they live in. Many have only lived in one. They are happy to stay there. It’s difficult to think outside of ourselves. Any experience unlike our own with nothing we can resonate with is uncomfortable and, if possible, we’d rather not respond to it or be forced to interact with it. This would mean growth and growth is always a little gruesome.
The truth is my fear is the symptom of an idol. I fear men, often more than God who has commanded us to love. When I’m afraid of rejection, I can’t love. I’d rather ignore the entire situation/person than live riskily, taking a shot in the dark again and again – reaching out to love someone. Telling our stories to each other is like offering a level of intimacy and reality. Telling our stories is loving someone.
It would be such a neat little answer to say that lately I’ve been trying to ‘find a good balance’ between hiding from people and allowing myself to get hurt by people. It sounds like a cute, simple solution to a complex question. But complex questions usually have complex solutions. I don’t think that’s the right answer, in fact it’s a dangerous one. “To love anything is to be vulnerable.” (C.S. Lewis) If we are called to love, we are also called to tell the truth, to be open and unrestrained with people, even strangers. The Western myth of the necessity for ‘personal space and boundaries’ needs to be overturned. If we are to love people radically like Jesus did, it will take more than being comfortably good-natured with them. It will take a dying to self, a destruction of personal space, an open countenance, a desire to reach past the borders of self and speak, express, proclaim. “He is the expression of His fullness…” Isn’t that what God did – reached out and loved us unrestrainedly, vulnerably. He loved us first. It’s always dangerous to love first. If we share our stories and our lives with others, the glory of His Son will radiate from our faces. His image will be made clear in us and we will truly be like God, not as the devil tempted Eve, but as children of the Father and brothers and sisters of His Son.
One more thing: God space is not the same as personal space. Jesus went up on the mountain to pray. He didn’t go up to be alone. He had no shrine to self. Every moment of His time was given to others and to God. God will break every idol His children have set up. “I will allow no other gods before Me.”